A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
“Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"
He looks at her and says angrily "fix the light? Does it look like i have electrician printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
The wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied
"fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."
“Fineâ€
Vaguely humourous articles, pictures, jokes etc
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CB
- Posts: 4312
- Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Classified
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CB
- Posts: 4312
- Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Classified
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CB
- Posts: 4312
- Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Classified
More Blaine news just in.....
World famous illusionist/nitwit David Blaine is already planning a new
mind-boggling act of endurance. The 'street magician' - currently suspended in a glass box over London's glamorous River Thames - is planning to obtain a West Bromwich Albion Season Ticket - and watch every home match for the rest of the season!
"There's no trickery involved and no way of escape," said Blaine, "For me it's all about pushing the envelope of human endurance - stretching my tolerance levels to the limit.
"I'm not worried about the first few games, I'm worried about what happens later, when I'm tired and disorientated and just about ready to lose my mind."
Blaine claims to have rigorously prepared for the challenge by undergoing an intensive 30-year programme of never watching the Albion.
However, some experts believe Blaine's latest attempt to shock the public is a step too far! "There are limits to what a man can put himself through," said psychiatrist Dr Furtwangler. "If he does attempt to go a whole season, watching the West Brom team could induce serious side-effects such as dementia, & hallucinations !
One poor soul once told me he had seen Albion once challenge for promotion - he was talking in a really funny accent, and shaking. The fact that Mr Blaine will effectively be in solitary confinement will only exacerbate these symptoms" "It's not big, it's not clever and I don't think we should be encouraging Mr Blaine."
Albion boss Gary Megson said: "He doesn't fancy a game, does he?
World famous illusionist/nitwit David Blaine is already planning a new
mind-boggling act of endurance. The 'street magician' - currently suspended in a glass box over London's glamorous River Thames - is planning to obtain a West Bromwich Albion Season Ticket - and watch every home match for the rest of the season!
"There's no trickery involved and no way of escape," said Blaine, "For me it's all about pushing the envelope of human endurance - stretching my tolerance levels to the limit.
"I'm not worried about the first few games, I'm worried about what happens later, when I'm tired and disorientated and just about ready to lose my mind."
Blaine claims to have rigorously prepared for the challenge by undergoing an intensive 30-year programme of never watching the Albion.
However, some experts believe Blaine's latest attempt to shock the public is a step too far! "There are limits to what a man can put himself through," said psychiatrist Dr Furtwangler. "If he does attempt to go a whole season, watching the West Brom team could induce serious side-effects such as dementia, & hallucinations !
One poor soul once told me he had seen Albion once challenge for promotion - he was talking in a really funny accent, and shaking. The fact that Mr Blaine will effectively be in solitary confinement will only exacerbate these symptoms" "It's not big, it's not clever and I don't think we should be encouraging Mr Blaine."
Albion boss Gary Megson said: "He doesn't fancy a game, does he?
[img]http://bluntman.d2.net.au/newsmilies/brick.gif[/img]
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CB
- Posts: 4312
- Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Classified
More Blaine news just in.....
World famous illusionist/nitwit David Blaine is already planning a new
mind-boggling act of endurance. The 'street magician' - currently suspended in a glass box over London's glamorous River Thames - is planning to obtain a West Bromwich Albion Season Ticket - and watch every home match for the rest of the season!
"There's no trickery involved and no way of escape," said Blaine, "For me it's all about pushing the envelope of human endurance - stretching my tolerance levels to the limit.
"I'm not worried about the first few games, I'm worried about what happens later, when I'm tired and disorientated and just about ready to lose my mind."
Blaine claims to have rigorously prepared for the challenge by undergoing an intensive 30-year programme of never watching the Albion.
However, some experts believe Blaine's latest attempt to shock the public is a step too far! "There are limits to what a man can put himself through," said psychiatrist Dr Furtwangler. "If he does attempt to go a whole season, watching the West Brom team could induce serious side-effects such as dementia, & hallucinations !
One poor soul once told me he had seen Albion once challenge for promotion - he was talking in a really funny accent, and shaking. The fact that Mr Blaine will effectively be in solitary confinement will only exacerbate these symptoms" "It's not big, it's not clever and I don't think we should be encouraging Mr Blaine."
Albion boss Gary Megson said: "He doesn't fancy a game, does he?
World famous illusionist/nitwit David Blaine is already planning a new
mind-boggling act of endurance. The 'street magician' - currently suspended in a glass box over London's glamorous River Thames - is planning to obtain a West Bromwich Albion Season Ticket - and watch every home match for the rest of the season!
"There's no trickery involved and no way of escape," said Blaine, "For me it's all about pushing the envelope of human endurance - stretching my tolerance levels to the limit.
"I'm not worried about the first few games, I'm worried about what happens later, when I'm tired and disorientated and just about ready to lose my mind."
Blaine claims to have rigorously prepared for the challenge by undergoing an intensive 30-year programme of never watching the Albion.
However, some experts believe Blaine's latest attempt to shock the public is a step too far! "There are limits to what a man can put himself through," said psychiatrist Dr Furtwangler. "If he does attempt to go a whole season, watching the West Brom team could induce serious side-effects such as dementia, & hallucinations !
One poor soul once told me he had seen Albion once challenge for promotion - he was talking in a really funny accent, and shaking. The fact that Mr Blaine will effectively be in solitary confinement will only exacerbate these symptoms" "It's not big, it's not clever and I don't think we should be encouraging Mr Blaine."
Albion boss Gary Megson said: "He doesn't fancy a game, does he?
[img]http://bluntman.d2.net.au/newsmilies/brick.gif[/img]
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charlieannear
- Posts: 482
- Joined: Tue Apr 08, 2003 4:01 pm
- Location: Poole, Dorset (Cornish abroad)
That's quite some stutter you have there Greg...
Just because you're paranoid, it don't mean they're not after you.
[url=http://www.peugeot206cc.co.uk/newowners?id=465]Owner 465
[color=red] 03, 2.0 SE Black/Silver limited Edition, (Black paint, black/red Leather interior, sports pack, luxury mats, Boot rack) plus boot tray and Clarion 6-disc CD autochanger
Extras: Aluminium hoops, aluminium tax disc holder, Conmatic, Griffiths Quickshift[/color][/url]
[url=http://www.peugeot206cc.co.uk/newowners?id=465]Owner 465
[color=red] 03, 2.0 SE Black/Silver limited Edition, (Black paint, black/red Leather interior, sports pack, luxury mats, Boot rack) plus boot tray and Clarion 6-disc CD autochanger
Extras: Aluminium hoops, aluminium tax disc holder, Conmatic, Griffiths Quickshift[/color][/url]
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CB
- Posts: 4312
- Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Classified
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Ben302
- Posts: 905
- Joined: Mon May 27, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Gillingham Kent
Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
You've got to hand it to her.
-----------------------------
Q. What's green and eats nuts?
A. Syphilis.
-----------------------------
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asks to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idot wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of
that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Wigan, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Wigan," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Wigan."
"The boy replied, "Really? What position does she play?"
You've got to hand it to her.
-----------------------------
Q. What's green and eats nuts?
A. Syphilis.
-----------------------------
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asks to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idot wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of
that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Wigan, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Wigan," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Wigan."
"The boy replied, "Really? What position does she play?"
We're gonna get our trophies back [url=http://www.peugeot206cc.co.uk/newowners?id=302]Owner 302[/url]
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CB
- Posts: 4312
- Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Classified
...probably appeared before, but no harm in dusting them off and trotting them out again:
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick
likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I
bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel
on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in
bed last night."
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes
what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft
hands he just tossed it off."
Claire Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a
big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night
about coming from different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team
Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have
to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing
so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just
said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick
likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I
bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel
on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in
bed last night."
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes
what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft
hands he just tossed it off."
Claire Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a
big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night
about coming from different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team
Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have
to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing
so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just
said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
[img]http://bluntman.d2.net.au/newsmilies/brick.gif[/img]