So! (or is it Da!)
In a move this morning, forces loyal to the blue flag finally moved to
depose Chairman Ken and replace him with the Peoples Drug Running Mafia Prostitution Racket leader, Kumon Handitova.
Handitova was previously close to Vladimir Putin (well.....he had some
interesting photos of him) and became a gas and oil billionaire when granted half of Siberia in a fair and free bidding process 10 years ago. His rivals have not been seen since, a tribute to his magnanimous attitude to providing free Siberian holidays for friend and foe alike.
Now as fans file into the gound via Blue Square, and the waxen figure in
Osgoods Tomb, a new dawn, a Red Dawn!!!!!! has risen over deepest trendy Fulham.
Pre Match entertainment will include a parade of the awesome Red Star
Downgrade (as the club will now be known) armoury, including the medium range Hasselbaink missile launcher.
As the Prime Mininster suggested, this can be deployed at 45 minutes notice but recently experts have cast doubts on its reliability and accuracy. Other weapons include a few ageing, dodgy, unreliable subs, and an aerial strike force that is liable to crash at the biggest showpiece events.
New faces are expected at the club.
Old French defenders will be replaced by solid Cossack figures including
Vlad Kickim, known as the Berlin Wall not because of his solid forbidding
demeanour, but his tendency to fall over at the first firm push.
Half-time entertainment will now be provided by teenage pop duo, the
sensational BluToO. The girls, Hadya Slotin and Lesbo Lickova will perform their act in front of the Shed, getting their hits out for the lads at every home game.
Dynamic midfielder Ivan Runyursoxov will add a work ethic to the side
straight from Collective Tractor Factory number 5 in Volgagrad where he was discovered, singing as he broke the ice on his lathe at 5AM each day.
New Ukrainian striker Nataly Drest will relish the London scene and is
expected to become hugely popular, in the Kensington nightclub circuit....
...and keeper Ivanotha Tipova is expected to quickly pick up the nickname
Cat. Not because of his legendary reflexes, but his uncanny ability to fall
asleep at almost any time no matter what's going on.
Finally, in a statement new owner Handitova Said,
" I am pleased that the club is now in safe hands. We are in Europe next
season and we will take each country as it comes, starting with the small
Eastern ones. The days of the mighty hegemony of Arsenal and Manchester are over. There is a new force in the West of London. Our ideological brilliance will sweep the running dogs of football capitalism before us as we relentlessly march to world domination. Now! Pass the vodka, and send up a couple of willing prostitutes for a pre match training session".
