The Game of Christmas
The Rules
The Game of Christmas is a game for any number of players, but must include at least three who would much rather be watching The Guns of Navarone and two who would prefer a nice walk, after all "It's only a bit of drizzle and we could all do with some fresh air."
Contents
One poorly decorated sitting-room; one television set; one remote control (confiscated); one complete boxed set of "Grievances", including Huffs, Chips, Grudges, Injuries and Insults; a disgruntlement of relations.
Preparations
Preparations may begin on Boxing Day of the previous year ("Never again"), but must begin no later than August or early September. Players should allow three months to manoeuvre into one of the four correct starting positions. These are:
i) The Stand-off Position: "But we came to you last year: it's your turn to come to us."
ii) The Feet-up Position: "Of course we'd love to have you; it's just that we're a shorter drive from you than you are from us."
iii) The Hands-off Position: "Actually, we were thinking of going abroad this year. No, it's not that we didn't enjoy it last year".
iv) The Hands-up Position: "Would you mind if we also brought her sister from Wales? The one with bulimia? You see, she's terribly depressed at the moment."
Playing the Guilt card
Early playing of the Guilt card, followed by the Huff, is essential. Any change to the Christmas schedule beyond mid-October may be opposed by the Home Captain by accompanying the Guilt Card with the exasperated sigh: "I suppose we'll have to make do, though as usual it's very last minute."
Objective
To cause the maximum number of players to depart the room slamming the door before close of play. Each exit must be accompanied by the question: "Was it something I said?" To which the players left in the game must reply: "So what do you think?"
How to play
Each player of Christmas must invade another player's space by asking a series of Personal Questions. These are drawn from one of five categories:
i) History: eg, "Was it in 1978 or 1979 that you forgot my birthday? No, it doesn't matter. I've forgotten all about it. It's just that I don't suppose I'll ever really get over it."
ii) Sport: eg, "Who told your children they could play French cricket in the spamspam?"
iii) Hobbies and Interests: eg, "But what makes you think I didn't like the shoeshine kit you gave me the year before last?"
iv) Guess the Weight: eg, "Is it just me or have you put on weight?"
v) Politics: eg, "How can you possibly say that when it comes to third-world debt they've only got themselves to blame? I can't believe I'm hearing this!"
If the answer is either incorrect or unrepeatable, the Chip then passes to the original player, who now holds an all-important Grudge.
Remember
If one of your ploys is sunk, you may add Insult to Injury to form a complete set of Grievances.
How to start
Players from the ages 8 to 80 sit around the table staring at one another. Players aged seven and under proceed to screech at one another either a) "Give it", or b) "But I had it first". Players aged 81 and over must now raise their eyebrows and mumble either: a) "In my day we were perfectly happy to make do with a cardboard box and a bit of string", or b) "They've lost all sense of respect".
First move
The Home Captain makes the first move by reading the following instructions in monotone: "The score is doubled when the square landed on is either less than the total number indicated by the spaces moved by the previous player or the route taken by the green player is indicated by the square landed on by the player with the highest score at the beginning of the round, but only if the sum of the aggregate is the same as or less than the score of all the remaining pieces combined (a challenge may not be called unless the challenger is at right angles to the player with the lowest number of cards)."
Second move
The second player then looks vexed and replies: "I'm sorry, but that's not how we've always played." Subsequent disputes about the rules then continue in a clockwise direction until that point when one or more players insist that the original rulebook states that the correct direction for disputes is anti-clockwise.
The role of non-players
At least once every five minutes each non-player must call out either, "But The Guns of Navarone is about to start", or, "If we don't go for that walk, it'll be dark in half an hour". Non-players over the age of 81 are allowed to repeat, "It's a time for the kiddies" over and over again. Extra points may be gained by leaning over a player's shoulder for three minutes and breathing noisily before exclaiming: "You shouldn't have done that!"
Scoring
The winner is the first player to find himself in a deserted room. On hearing one or more of the following sounds drifting through the slammed door, the winner may add these points to his total:
i) Mutual recrimination (one point).
ii) Indiscriminate sobbing (two).
iii) Tyres screeching (four).
An extra five points are awarded for each melted strawberry creme discovered beneath a cushion.
Warning
The game of Christmas should be played no more than once a year.