Vegetables!

[Julia]

http://www.geocities.com/MotorCity/Speedway/1388/fruit/

[Julia]

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass.

" If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "That cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil-lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.

He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No shit..."

[Aimee]

That is very rude!!

I think you have been spending way too much time with CB!

[Julia]

I am beginning to worry!
But heres some more...

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to firstgrade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. You need to use 'big people words," she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

[Julia]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

[Julia]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

[Julia]

John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new Bank Manager. He set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. John did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, who had been with the bank a long time. She was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said, "you have no ears." John again got upset and tossed her out.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman that the first two put together. John was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked!


The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fuckin' ears!"

[Aimee]

Julia... you're worrying me now!!! What exactly is it you do at work, hehehe! ...about as much as me!

[Julia]

Hahahaha I told you I was bored!
Roll on Friday!!! WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!