Joke of the Day

CB · Post by CB » Fri Feb 28, 2003 4:27 pm

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see it Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. and stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Jesus saves."......

CB · Post by CB » Fri Apr 25, 2003 3:59 pm

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He did.

"Now take off my skirt."

He did.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

Now," she said, "take off my panties."

He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

MattB · Post by **MattB** » Fri Apr 25, 2003 4:16 pm

Vanda · Post by **Vanda** » Sat Apr 26, 2003 2:38 pm

Derek · Post by **Derek** » Sun Apr 27, 2003 1:11 am

Lual · Post by **Lual** » Sun Apr 27, 2003 1:51 pm

any one got any more

rob · Post by **rob** » Sun Apr 27, 2003 2:13 pm

heres one

Peugeot Customer Services are really helpful people.

Sara · Post by **Sara** » Sun Apr 27, 2003 3:52 pm

Sara

Vanda · Post by **Vanda** » Fri May 02, 2003 12:43 am

In Mexico it's bin collection day, the bin man goes round to Sancho's house but his bin is nowhere to be seen, Sancho however is outside on his porch so the binman shouts.
"Hey Sancho where's ya bin?"
Sancho replies
"I's bin on oliday"
The bin man laughs and says
"No Sancho, where's ya wheelie bin?"
Sancho walks over to the bin man and checks that no-one is listening
"I's wheelie bin in prison but I tell the neighbours I's been on oliday"

CB · Post by CB » Fri May 02, 2003 7:59 am

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas...

Said it was the most violent book he'd ever read!

CB · Post by CB » Fri May 02, 2003 8:20 am

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in the bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Och Ye ken" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why in Glesga there's a wee boozer called McTavish's. Noo the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nutin,'" said the Irishman. "back home in Dublin der's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

paul_y3k · Post by **paul_y3k** » Fri May 02, 2003 10:14 am

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a
log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across
the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk
47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall.

CB · Post by CB » Fri May 02, 2003 3:18 pm

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.