Continuing the Men Vs Women battle

andyc209 · Post by **andyc209** » Mon Feb 17, 2003 5:37 pm

How to shower like a woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower.
4. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake bodywash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's rinsed completely out.
11. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Clean all wet shower surfaces. Spray mold spots with flash bathroom spray.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
15. Wrap hair in super-absorbant second towel.
16. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots or extraneous hair. Attack with nails or tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If husband seen, cover any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend half an hour getting dressed.

---------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in pile on floor. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife sees, shake manhood at her making "Woo" sound.
2. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
3. Admire size of manhood in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in shower.
5. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one. Wash face
6. Wash armpits
7. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
8. Wash privates and the surrounding area.
9. Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
10. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
11. Make shampoo Mohawk. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
12. Pee (in shower).
13. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was outside bath for whole shower time.
14. Partially dry off.
15. Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of manhood (again).
16. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
17. Leave bathroom light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab manhood, say, "Yeah baby," and thrust pelvis at her.
19. Quickly check used underpants for staining, put them on. Unravel socks, make sure they're not too crusty and pull them on. Change shirt but otherwise dress in most of yesterday's clothes...

andyc209 · Post by **andyc209** » Mon Feb 17, 2003 5:40 pm

Is Your Computer 'Male' or 'Female'?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female.
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follows:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.

Their reasons follow:

They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Burge · Post by **Burge** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 8:03 am

What's the difference between a man and a vibrator??

A. A vibrator can't pay credit card bills!!!!!

Burge

Vanda · Post by **Vanda** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 3:56 pm

Alright I told some women jokes.....
Looks like it's about time to defend my own sex!

A boyfriend and girlfriend were having an arguement.....
...... "Of course there is nobody else!" She yelled at her boyfriend. "Do you think I'd be going out with a dickhead like you if there was?"

Vanda · Post by **Vanda** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 3:57 pm

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes!

Vanda · Post by **Vanda** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 3:59 pm

Why do most men prefer women with big tits and a tight pussy?

Becuase most men have big mouths and small dicks!

Vanda · Post by **Vanda** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 4:06 pm

Okay I'm not saying I agree with sexist jokes (before I get hate male posted) but just a couple more.......

What do you call the useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis?

A man.

What do you call a man who has lost 99% of his intelligence?

A divorcee.

What do men and floor tiles have in common?

If you lay them properly you can walk over them forever.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 25?

Gifted.

Vanda · Post by **Vanda** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 4:11 pm

Okay I'm not saying I agree with sexist jokes (before I get hate male posted) but just a couple more.......

What do you call the useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis?

A man.

What do you call a man who has lost 99% of his intelligence?

A divorcee.

What do men and floor tiles have in common?

If you lay them properly you can walk over them forever.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 25?

Gifted.

Erm · Post by **Erm** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 4:27 pm

*mental note*

keep away from vanda........shes scarey

andyc209 · Post by **andyc209** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 4:31 pm

Thats 1 page of your little black book ripped out then!

Volume 3 Chapter 5 is now edited down to 49 pages!!

Vanda · Post by **Vanda** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 4:53 pm

Hey come on Erm, I did crack some woman jokes on the other page too! I guess I'm quits now!

Vanda · Post by **Vanda** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 4:54 pm

Hey come on Erm, I did crack some woman jokes on the other page too! I guess I'm quits now!

andyc209 · Post by **andyc209** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 5:13 pm

She's a FemBot!!!

Batteries are running low

Duplicating everything!!!

Watch for the Secret machine gun jubblies

Erm · Post by **Erm** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 6:15 pm

i volunteer to check for machine gun jubblies

rob · Post by **rob** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 10:10 pm

Is Vanda single??

Is Cilla's Hat going to get to come out of retirement again ??

Would she eat him for breakfast ??

Lets wait and see ????