Well they made me smile :D

[AxsMan]

Some Classic Tommy Cooper Quickies:

>>>>>
1.Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony

was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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2. Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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3. "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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4. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for

shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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5. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?

"No, because he's really heavy"

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6. Guy goes into the doctor's.

"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start"

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7. "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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8. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

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9. So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."

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10. A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

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11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'

The other says 'Are you sure?'

The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...

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12. "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local

swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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13. "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside

my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are

5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum

or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I

think it's Colin.

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15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you

give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

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16. Two cannibals eating a clown One says to the other "Does this

taste funny to you?"

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17. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,

the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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18. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."

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19. A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen

you in a long time

The man replied "I know I've been ill"

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20. A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in

several places"

The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

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21. I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

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22. You know those Mange-tout?

They're really nice but I couldn't eat a whole one

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23. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

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24. I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month

for the next 2 years.

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25. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.

[CB]

[Sara]

Can they get any worse
Sara

[CB]

Did i tell you i used to have two wives?
That was bigamy....

[Pauline]

'Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaaggh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
---------------------------------------------

The back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.

I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
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I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.
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I went to the dentist. He said my teeth are fine, my gums will have to come out.
---------------------------------------------

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
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"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'.

He said hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.'

He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids.
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I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'

He said 'To camp?',

I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'

I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'

He said 'Camper?'

I said (camply) 'Make up your mind.'
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I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it.
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"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
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I backed this horse at twenty to one - it came in at half past four. It was so late, it had to tiptoe back to the stables.
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Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber? He went into the bank, he said 'Stick 'em up. Are they up?'
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I was walking up the road the other night, a man came out of a doorway. He said 'Have you seen a policeman round here?' I said 'No'. He said 'Stick 'em up'.
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<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Pauline on 2002-07-04 19:20 ]</font>

[Pauline]

Want some more? These aren't real Tommy Cooperisms, but he'd have enjoyed them

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".


So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".


So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".


So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.


He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".




Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.




But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.



So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
(My favorite)




So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".




But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.



Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.




The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Get my drift?".




So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".




Now did you know all male tennis players are witches... Greg, Andre; both witches. Goran, even he's a witch.

[CB]

Keep em comin'.......Love the last one especially Pauline....

[Lyndon]

[Pauline]

Wedgie Kray! lmao, I'm crying at my own jokes

[Pauline]

So the police have issued a public warning that a midget psychic has escaped from custody. They say there's a small medium at large.

[AxsMan]

"Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber? He went into the bank, he said 'Stick 'em up. Are they up?' "

ROTFLMAO

He was a great great man!!!

[Pauline]

So if I'd posted every joke individually, I'd have beaten Greg without resorting to smilies.

Now that IS funnee

PS Sorry about your bandwidth Lyndon

[Lyndon]

no worries Pauline

[Pauline]

Oh that's alright then, last one(s) for tonight....

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

So I was in a taxi and when I got to the end of my journey, I paid my fare and the cabbie sat there waiting for his tip. So I gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."

[CB]

So iwas reading in the newspaper this morning a large town in Yorkshire has been stolen. Police are looking for Leeds.