Quick comebacks...

[CB]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket, not your stub."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck,
eh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb
and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you
in, sir. You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked, "Officer, are ya
absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper.
"Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I
was disabled
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a
lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

[MattB]

And the old reliable one for when you're in the pub, you run out of drinks on the table and need to send a delegate to get them in...


Drunkard 1: "Your round"
Drunkard 2: "So are you, you fat bastard"


Works every time

[Huu]

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!