White Van guide to driving...

[CB]

The White Van Guide To Driving.

Car rules & White Van (from here on known as WV) rules vary in many ways. The main points being noted below.

Traffic Lights
Usually no more than a suggestion, traffic lights were simply designed to slow things down a bit. What you must remember though are these pointers.
If it's only been red for a couple of seconds then you may as well treat it as green, also if it's been red for over a minute treat this as green. No doubt the lights are broken. And amber is always treated as green, but you should know that already.

Kerbs
You must always try to catch them when cornering. Always.

Roundabouts
Look at the traffic flow from the right roughly 100 yards in advance of the roundabout in order to prevent any unnecessary braking. If your view of the traffic is obstructed, treat as all clear. If it is possible to switch lanes midway over then this course of action must always been taken. Pay particular attention to your mirrors ie: make sure you don't use them.
You should also have learnt by now that indicators are for one thing and one thing only. And it ain't roundabouts.

Parking
They're for parking. You have a WV. This includes two brilliant aides for parking where the hell you like. The Hazard light and the sliding side door. Simply whack on the hazards and open the slide door and Voilá, you now have 20 mins. free parking wherever you want, be it busy roads, pedestrianised streets or double yellow lined roads.

Stopping Distances
Now, the Government told us what they thought was safe stopping distances at 30mph, 50mph etc. Rubbish. The WV has the best stopping distances of all 4 wheeled land transport. Whatever speed you're going and whatever amount of space you have to stop in, if you slam the brakes on hard enough you will stop. (You may stop even quicker if you do this whilst beeping your horn, flashing your lights and shouting "WHAAAAAAAT THE F**CKKKKKKKIIIIIINNNNNGGGG HEEEELLLLLLL YOOOOOUUUUU PLLLAAAAAAYYYYYYYINNNGG ATTTTT!!!!!????????". In wet weather you will learn that you slide about a bit. This make no difference to the stopping distance it just makes it a bit more "Woooaaaaahhhh"

Junctions
What are you waiting for? Just go. Remember, hesitation is a sign of weakness. If the vehicle in front is taking their time remember the weapons you have. The horn, the light flash and the "Get so close to their rear bumper all they can see is radiator". If these don't work then reverse, drive AROUND (using either path or other lane of road, the choice is yours on this one) the offending vehicle and show them how it should be done.

Speed
If you're foot isn't on the floor you must have stopped moving. In 99% of cases, the WV isn't owned by the driver so what do you care if you drive everywhere at 8000RPM?

In Second.

Those arrows on the road in different lanes pointing straight ahead, left, right etc
As of yet, no white van driver has figured out what these mean so just ignore them.

Give Way Signs
Give way? New one on me, that.

Courtesy
Only let other vans and lorries through before you. Screw cars. They never acknowledge you for doing so anyway.

Vehicle Maintenance

A tyre is only bald if you can see your reflection in it.
Brakes should ideally squeel every time they are just so much as threatened with being used.
The main point to remember though is; It ain't your van so what do you care if you run it into the ground?

In Van Entertainment
Apart from Bird Watching ;-) the only in van entertainment provided is one crappy, out of tune radio with 2 tinny speakers (one of which will not work). Various tapes of anonymous dance mixes should be in the glove box and door pockets but never listened to.

Vehicle Cleanliness
Don't be silly. The dirtier, the better. Particular attention should be paid to the dashboard where no less than 2 copies of a tabloid newspaper should be on all occasions (one being at least 8 days old)

If these rules are followed out to the letter then you will have the makings of a great van driver...

[Esselle]

Can we have one of these for BMW drivers :

[Robbie]

So true.
O

[tiranova]

[Nobby]

In Van Entertainment
Apart from Bird Watching the only in van entertainment provided is one crappy, out of tune radio with 2 tinny speakers (one of which will not work). Various tapes of anonymous dance mixes should be in the glove box and door pockets but never listened to.


The only part i dissagree with

I can't get anything in the door pockets for all the crap like half eaten sausage sandwiches, polystyrene cups, and mcdonalds rubbish.........