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Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

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Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

Postby GrandadMonkey » Wed Nov 27, 2013 10:28 am

Free SEX

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales.

So he put up a sign that read, "Free S.e.x. with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free s.e.x...
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free s.e.x.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No s.e.x. this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free s.e.x...

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free s.e.x. this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free s.e.x.."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.

My wife won twice last week! :hmm:
Ron
"If it ain't broke don't fix it!"
Golf 1.5 Tsi Evo SE Nav Estate Atlantic Blue
Polo 1.4 Match Edition Reflex Silver (wife's)
(Previously owned a 2005 206CC 1.6 Allure Moonstone for 10 years)
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Re: Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

Postby Capncol » Wed Nov 27, 2013 4:02 pm

I just got in from work and found a note stuck to the TV:

"Its not working so I'm leaving"

Turned it on and it's working fine
Cheers Col.


206cc 1.6ltr (Wifes toy)
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Re: Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

Postby Enright » Wed Nov 27, 2013 8:58 pm

A fireman was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fireman walked over to take a closer look. 'That's a nice fire engine,' he said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Girl ,' the fireman said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your appliance, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
BCingU,
Neil. ;)

Mine: Daily driver; Mk2 MG ZS+ (TD). Current projects; 2 x Lotus Elan SE Turbos
Previous project: 56 plate 206 CC 1.6 Sport (with added Allure!)
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Re: Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

Postby GrandadMonkey » Thu Nov 28, 2013 8:45 am

The Irish Bic Lighter

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?' :trumpet:
Ron
"If it ain't broke don't fix it!"
Golf 1.5 Tsi Evo SE Nav Estate Atlantic Blue
Polo 1.4 Match Edition Reflex Silver (wife's)
(Previously owned a 2005 206CC 1.6 Allure Moonstone for 10 years)
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Re: Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

Postby Capncol » Tue Dec 03, 2013 1:13 pm

What's brown & sticky ?........
































A stick!
Cheers Col.


206cc 1.6ltr (Wifes toy)
Mercedes ML (workhorse)
Corvette C3 (my toy)

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Re: Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

Postby Capncol » Tue Dec 03, 2013 1:18 pm

Just been out an bought Princes greatest hits. Was a tad annoyed as it cost me £25, but i took it home an partied like it was £19.99
Cheers Col.


206cc 1.6ltr (Wifes toy)
Mercedes ML (workhorse)
Corvette C3 (my toy)

When requesting help of a technical nature, please give as much detail of the fault as possible along with details of exact model, engine size & type, gearbox, year, mileage, and any relevant work carried out to try to solve the problem to help us help you.
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Re: Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

Postby Capncol » Tue Dec 03, 2013 1:20 pm

I opened the 2nd door of my advent calender yesterday. I wasn't expecting Tom Daley to come out
Cheers Col.


206cc 1.6ltr (Wifes toy)
Mercedes ML (workhorse)
Corvette C3 (my toy)

When requesting help of a technical nature, please give as much detail of the fault as possible along with details of exact model, engine size & type, gearbox, year, mileage, and any relevant work carried out to try to solve the problem to help us help you.
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Re: Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

Postby GrandadMonkey » Tue Dec 03, 2013 3:44 pm

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: £5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs £5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your beer spending each month at £450. In one year, it would be approximately £5400, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend £5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at £108,000, correct?

Man: I suppose...

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a regular savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

:beer:
Ron
"If it ain't broke don't fix it!"
Golf 1.5 Tsi Evo SE Nav Estate Atlantic Blue
Polo 1.4 Match Edition Reflex Silver (wife's)
(Previously owned a 2005 206CC 1.6 Allure Moonstone for 10 years)
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Re: Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

Postby Capncol » Thu Dec 05, 2013 6:14 pm

Two friends were talking during lunch and eventually settled on the subject of Dave's recent marriage...

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so much," Joe interjected.

"I'm not bitter," Dave replied. "Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Cheers Col.


206cc 1.6ltr (Wifes toy)
Mercedes ML (workhorse)
Corvette C3 (my toy)

When requesting help of a technical nature, please give as much detail of the fault as possible along with details of exact model, engine size & type, gearbox, year, mileage, and any relevant work carried out to try to solve the problem to help us help you.
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Re: Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

Postby glen » Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:17 pm

:lol: he knows what he deserves...
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Re: Put smiles on faces - a daily joke...

Postby The Mouse » Wed Jan 08, 2014 5:45 pm

These are a bit late but I only just heard them.
If you didn't get a pressie this year, don't worry, you haven't been bad, Santa used Google maps.
There will be no Christmas presents this year, the Americans have arrested the Three Wise Men as suspected terrorists. (Hispanic countries hand out the pressies 6th Jan)
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I also rescue animals and plants ;-)
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